Talking to Your Kids about Pornography

by Hannah Scholnick

Following our discussion about masturbation, it is clear that having sexual curiosity at a young age is normal, healthy and comes in many forms. With the advent of the internet and overall increased accessibility of content, finding pornography is inevitable. Therefore, it’s important to recognize this fact and have productive ongoing conversations with your child. 

Exposure to sexually explicit content is pervasive. Studies estimate that first exposure to pornography ranges between the ages of 8 and 11 (Fight the New Drug).  Additionally, an Australian study reveals that since the 1950s, each generation has encountered pornography earlier than the generation before (McKee).

It’s important to prepare children for what they will find online, and to acknowledge that this is an ongoing conversation.

It is public knowledge that mainstream pornography contains many harmful tropes that fetishize, objectify and oppress minority groups and genders to the tune of pleasing cisgender white men. However, this does not mean that pornography is necessarily responsible for misogynist attitudes. In the same Australian survey, most adult respondents—who were exposed to pornography below the age of 16—revealed positive attitudes toward women. Thus, the data suggests that exposure to pornography under the age of 16 is not causing negative attitudes toward women. Rather, participants blamed negative attitudes about sexuality on a variety of sources, including media, social attitudes toward women, and religion (McKee). Many respondents recognized that although pornography offers an unrealistic example of sex, it acknowledges that sex can be pleasurable (McKee).

With this in mind, it is clear that people are often left to use pornography as sex education when comprehensive sex education is otherwise unavailable. Furthermore, that claims on its negative effects may be inflated. It’s important to prepare children for what they will find online, and to acknowledge that this is an ongoing conversation. Becoming aware of sociocultural effects on sexuality and attitudes toward different genders is no easy feat—and certainly cannot be done overnight. Below is a list of suggestions for beginning to open up this conversation with your child.

• Suspend judgement. If possible, do not let them think you’re upset or angry. In order to create a welcoming environment for them to listen to you and feel comfortable coming to you again, approachability is key (Koplewicz).
• Do not shame them for watching it. It’s natural to be curious, and once they discover it, it will be difficult to monitor their usage. It’s important to explain that this content is meant for adults and that you want them to wait until they are older to try it out. Let them know that if they are seeing it from friends or at school it is okay, but that they need to understand what they are seeing.
• Explain that people in mainstream pornography are actors—meaning they are using lighting, makeup, editing and other production tools to make it entertaining. Emphasize that this is not typically how people in real life have sex because pornography is a performance. You can let your child know that one six-minute video is likely the product of hours on hours of footage, where every position and angle is formulaically created, so there is no natural flow during a scene—if it appears that way it is likely due to post production efforts.
• Feel free to compare this to any favourite film of your child’s. Explain that actors they are used to seeing on screen are not any different than porn actors in the sense that they have a script and with many visual aids their scenes are meant to look exciting and beyond the bounds of “real life”. Emphasize that it is not meant to be educational but entertaining. 

• Acknowledge that there are many types of pornography. Not all of it looks violent, some of it can be intimate, while others may involve more than two people. Let them know that because so many different people watch porn there are endless genres to appeal to them all. As a result, your child may be shocked by what they see, and if they choose to watch porn later in life, they can be cautious of what they watch and know that not all of it fits for them.
• Let them know that pornography depicts sex in a certain way because that is how the production companies and hosting sites make the most money. Explain that they often focus on male pleasure and fail to show explicit consent. In real life, everyone’s pleasure is important, and sex is not a selfish act—it is supposed to be fun for everyone. Additionally, although mainstream pornography does not emphasize verbal consent, explain that it is crucial to cultivate communication and consent in any/all future sexual or romantic experiences.
  • Sidenote: talking about consent with your child is an entirely different conversation, but it is important to mention as a part of the pornography discussion as well.

Although it is important to have this discussion before and during porn exposure, pornography is not the only time to bring up themes such as consent, performance, power dynamics, body image, and social skills during sex. For instance, every time a sex scene shows up on the television or a Victoria’s Secret ad appears, take the opportunity to discuss and answer questions.

For more tips, check out these great resources from Sex-Ed School co-host Nadine Thornhill!

Works Cited

Fight the New Drug. “What’s the Average Age of a Child’s First Exposure to Porn?” What’s The Average Age Of A Child’s First Exposure To Porn?, Fight the New Drug, 24 Aug. 2019, https://fightthenewdrug.org/real-average-age-of-first-exposure/.

McKee, Alan. “Does Pornography Harm Young People?” Australian Journal of Communication (2010): n. pag. Print.
Koplewicz, Dr. Harold. “How to Talk to Your Kids About Porn.” Time, Time, https://time.com/4277188/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-porn/.

Koplewicz, Dr. Harold. “How to Talk to Your Kids About Porn.” Time, Time, https://time.com/4277188/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-porn/.